I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
