If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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