There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
