Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
