We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize
