Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Ketchup is God's man juice
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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