i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
