genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
