last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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