he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
