i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
