I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
