Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
