Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Randomize
