so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
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