oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
