Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
