Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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