The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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