i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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