I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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