Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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