You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
