fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
