i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
