So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
