We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
