my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
