So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
