I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
My dick has a subreddit
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
