he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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