Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
