me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I am midnight drunk by noon
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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