you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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