were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
