I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
