Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I just want nice things and good sex
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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