I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
