Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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