Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
