i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
