Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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