a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Randomize
