she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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