3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
