I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I'm both gender and math confused
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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