I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
