I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
