why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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