chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
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